oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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