i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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