He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
