Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
