I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
