david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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