Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
