the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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