tonight lets celebrate not being married
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
