So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
