How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
