New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
