i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
