my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
