my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
