Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
