he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
