you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The convent might be a nice break from real life
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
