I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
