mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
