whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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