Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
