We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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