omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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