You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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