I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
