I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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