Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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