dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dicks are not precious.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
