at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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