Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
