i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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