Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
