eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
