my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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