i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My vagina is officially offended.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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