So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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