Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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