I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
