bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
