whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
