alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
