i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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