I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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