'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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