So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
