I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
