So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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