You work out of a Hotel?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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