New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
