dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
